Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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