Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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