I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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