i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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