the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
