the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
