Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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