her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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