ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
