JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Randomize
