If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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