He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
