also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
