Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
