Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
