My sheets look like a crime scene.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
