Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
