Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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