I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Randomize
