I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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