Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize