Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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