Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
