i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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