What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
