dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
