sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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