my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Operation Purity has been aborted
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
My vagina just recognized that song.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
