I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
