well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
you made out with another girl for some wings
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Randomize
