New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
