You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize
