I wish my penis had an off switch
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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