so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Someone shattered a urinal.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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