Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
