just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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