I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
