The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Is Oprah even human
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
