Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
