just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
