exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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