I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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