Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
