I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
