remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
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