He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
