No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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