If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
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