When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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