I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
