I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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