I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
