I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
