She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
