apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
