omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
