Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
