just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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