I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
