he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
