She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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